Guilt

I’m in the process of writing a piece for Dear Adoption, a site where adoptees — surprise, surprise — write about some part of their experiences and submit them. Mine is focused on how being adopted has really effected my transition. It’s really hard to explain to people who aren’t adopted and when I can share links to it, I will. I’m excited to have the chance to put my feelings on paper, albeit digital paper.

I think to a certain extent, all trans people feel a bit of guilt at some point in their transition — then again, I really shouldn’t claim I speak for all trans people. I don’t and I never will.

But there’s such a persistent narrative of parents “losing” a child who transitions, or of people suddenly feeling like they have to deal with a whole “new” person. A lot of media seems to perpetuate this idea. And I think it’s further complicated by the fact that — personally, at least — there is the sense of having to kill off your old self. At the very least, you’re becoming someone new.

And while this new person isn’t a lie — they are, in fact, your authentic self — that doesn’t stop outsiders from feeling like you’re suddenly someone new.

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Back Home

I drove back to Arizona with my parents the other night; the school year over, I returned to Arizona and am currently enjoying my month off before launching forward into an exciting internship with East West Players later this summer. The last time I was in Arizona was in early January this year. I was very much ready to return to school but also anxious because I had a lot up ahead. Including, but not limited to, fundraising and scheduling my life around my upcoming top surgery appointment.

Getting ready for top surgery is probably one of the strangest experiences of my life. I spent the entirety of the weeks leading up to it convinced it was a dream, that something would happen and stop me from getting it. The night before, my parents and I had to rush to the only open pharmacy to fill a prescription that I had forgotten about. Yes, I forgot about a prescription. No, it wasn’t on purpose. Yes, that’s how bad my memory is.

I’ll probably write about the time immediately after surgery another day. But today I looked in the mirror as I got ready for bed and I realized — this is the first time I’ve been in Arizona since I got top surgery. Later this month, I’ll be spending time with people who haven’t seen me since I was on T let alone surgery. To be specific, I’m going to my high school’s graduation ceremony since I have friends who are seniors. I’ll see them, fellow alumni, and old teachers. It’s a weird thought.

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Works In Progress #1

This past week has been a rush for me with finals, getting ready to move out of the dorms, and mental health problems rearing their head once again. Still, I’ve been doing my best to be productive and of course that means starting another few projects that really don’t have a due date and don’t need to be done anytime soon… rather than working on things that actually need to get done like now. Whoops?

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Update #1

A few big things to announce! First, my play The Grey Teacup Cafe got written about in my college’s newspaper. It has good things to say about it, which is always nice and helps reaffirm what I got from opening night. Find it here.

On that vein, I’m done with theater for the semester!… which isn’t saying much since I’ll be working at East West Players all summer as a production intern, but it’s kind of nice to have school work winding down. Hopefully that means more time to write and work on other projects 🙂

In other news, I just heard that I received The Virginia Princehouse Allen Prize for “outstanding contributions to the activities of the theater department for the academic year 2016-2017.” Basically, people noticed that I did things! Which is always nice.

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